Gun only has one bullet; the bird will probably be OK

You can take Twitter too seriously. I know I do. WTF?!? Why did this person stop following me?! I often rail to my wife, who rolls her eyes then carries on preparing homemade bombs to hurl at my enemies, which are legion.

I’ve posted about Twitter before on my cult blog here and here, and way back in 2013 at the dawn of my Twitter grouchiness here. In exactly 140 characters: “Fun, but ultimately useless to those of us who don’t have enough followers to take over the world, or at least bend it to our will unawares.”

It’s so difficult to source quality followers. Any vetting procedure must be delayed until I have a suitably large pool of applicants to vet. Meanwhile I’m left with those peeps of taste and discernment who have already discovered @jollygoodthen.

Typically I wait until I am followed before I follow. While some may see this as monstrously self-serving, others will recognise it for what it is: the modus operandi of someone who’s been burned too many times. Official advice is to follow without restraint, not worry about who’s following you. To the big bird in charge I say F8ck that, 8 being lowercase for *. My chagrin does not reach the upper registers.

Now we come to the Twits. Twits are peeps who have followed then unfollowed me, which for some reason is still allowed despite my urgent faxed advice to the head office. (I’ve also contacted them about the plague of plagiarism that is “retweeting”.) While I do not take it personally, it is an obvious besmirchment on my personhood which lacks legal remedy but must be addressed for the sake of my heirs.

It does not happen often, possibly because so few actually pay attention to what I get up to. When they do, reprisals can be swift and merciless. This, for example, resulted in the loss of 2 followers that I’m aware of; perhaps many tens of thousands more chose not to fall into line in the first place because of it. The near decimation hurt, but then so does ripping the bandage off a wound that has healed.

I’m not much of a name-caller: “Twits” does not come naturally. However, it does seem to be in keeping with the nomenclature, so Twits it will be. My karma consultant also advises that it’s A-OK.

It’s good to know when you’ve peaked.
I’ve already started the slide back.
Retweet now and qualify to win cash money!
Terms & conditions apply. Offer expires immediately after retweeting.
The wake might also be too soon.
Can’t even afford a frame for this.

PS. The classic original:

RIP Cheeseface

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under construction